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Some stuff that's meaningful to us

Poem

Wedding Poem

We asked a friend to read this poem by Mary Carolyn Davies at our wedding in August 2013.

Why do I love you?

I love you,

Not only for what you are,

But for what I am when I am with you.

​

I love you,

Not only for what you have made of yourself,

But for what you are making of me.

​

I love you,

For the part of me that you bring out.

​

I love you,

For putting your hand into my heaped-up heart

And passing over all the foolish, weak things

That you can't help dimly seeing there,

And for drawing out

Into the light

All the beautiful belongings

That no one else had looked quite far enough to find.

​

I love you because you are helping me

To make of the lumber of my life

Not a tavern

But a temple.

Out of the works of my every day,

Not a reproach

But a song.

​

I love you,

Because you have done more than any creed

Could have done

To make me good

And more than any fate

Could have done

To make me happy.

​

You have done it without a touch,

Without a word,

Without a sign.

​

You have done it by being yourself.

​

Perhaps that is what being a friend means

After all.

Stoicism

Stoicism

When he is struggling, Eric often turns to stoic philosophy, which encourages us to find inner peace by accepting what we cannot control and giving our best to the things we can control.

 

This is an excerpt from the Handbook of Epictetus, who was a stoic philosopher:

Events are Impersonal and Indifferent

When considering the future, remember that all situations unfold as they do regardless of how we feel about them. Our hopes and fears sway us, not events themselves.

 

Undisciplined people, driven by their personal antipathies and sympathies, are forever on the lookout for signs that build up or reinforce their unexamined views and opinions. Events themselves are impersonal, though judicious people certainly can and should respond to them in beneficial ways.

 

Instead of personalizing an event (“This is my triumph,” “That was his blunder,” or “This is my bitter misfortune”) and drawing withering conclusions about yourself or human nature, watch for how you can put certain aspects of the event to good use. Is there some less-than-obvious benefit embedded in the event that a trained eye might discern? Pay attention; be a sleuth. Perhaps there is a lesson you can extract and apply to similar events in the future.

 

In any events, however seemingly dire, there is nothing to prevent us from searching for its hidden opportunity. It is a failure of the imagination not to do so. But to seek out the opportunity in situations requires a great deal of courage, for most people around you will persist in interpreting events in the grossest terms: success or failure, good or bad, right or wrong. These simplistic, polarized categories obscure more creative—and useful—interpretations of events that are far more advantageous and interesting!

 

The wise person knows it is fruitless to project hopes and fears on the future. This only leads to forming melodramatic representations in your mind and wasting time.

 

At the same time, one shouldn’t passively acquiesce to the future and what it holds. Simply doing nothing does not avoid risk, but heightens it.

 

There is a place for prudent planning and for making provision for situations to come. Proper preparation for the future consists of forming good personal habits. This is done by actively pursuing the good in all the particulars of your daily life and by regularly examining your motives to make sure they are free of the shackles of fear, greed, and laziness. If you do this, you won’t be buffeted about by outside events.

 

Train your intentions rather than fooling yourself into thinking you can manipulate outside events. If you are helped by praying or meditating, by all means do so. But seek divine counsel when the application of your own reason hasn’t yielded any answers, when you have exhausted other means.

 

What is a “good” event? What is a “bad” event? There is no such thing! What is a good person? The one who achieves tranquility by having formed the habit of asking on every occasion, “What is the right thing to do now?”

Buddhism

Buddhism

Jia is not religious, but would consider herself a spiritual seeker. The writers of the Buddhist tradition really speak to her. Below, is an essay by Norman Fischer that was also read at our wedding. She would say, "I suck at actually practising this, but I guess it's what I strive for over and over again. It'll be a life-long goal - who knows, maybe several life times."

To have and to hold

All things are impermanent, created fresh each moment, and then gone. This being so, the miracle of love between two people, or within a family, is something precious and brief. In fact any human relationship is brief. we are together for a while and then inevitably we part. To love someone truly is to recognize this every day, to see the preciousness of the beloved and of the time we have together, to renounce any clinging need for or dependency on the other, and to make the effort to open our hands, so that instead of holding on we are nurturing and supporting.

 

People often wonder how it is possible, in the face of impermanence, to make a commitment to a relationship. It certainly seems logical that we either deny impermanence and assert our undying vow, or accept it and move on as soon as things change. But it is exactly impermanence that inspires commitment. Exactly because things always change, and we cannot prevent that, we give rise to a vow to remain faithful to love, because love is the only thing that is in harmony with change. Love is change; it is the movement and color of the world. Love is a feeling of constancy, openness, and appreciation for the wonder of the world, a feeling that we can be true to, no matter what circumstances may bring.

 

Although this may sound impossibly idealistic, I believe it is quite practical. To respect the beloved, to give and ask for nothing in return, in faith that what we ourselves need will be provided without our insisting on it too much, may seem like the work of a saint, but I do not think there is any other way. In order to do it we will have to condition our ego, soften its edges, so that it becomes pliable and fearless enough to be open to what comes, and to be permissive, in the best sense of that word, for another. This is the basic spiritual practice.

 

It seems to me that for most of us, the journey of loving relationship, though quite difficult, is our best chance to develop bodhicitta. In Mahayana buddhism, this seemingly impossible and unlimited aspiration for the enlightenment of all is the heart of the practice, the beginning and end of it. And it seems only logical that in order to develop a love that big and thorough, it is good if we have somewhere to start, someone to practice on. To really love your lover, husband, wife, or child, taking that on as the most challenging and worthwhile of life’s projects, is a noble thing and it is possible. we know it is possible because we have all felt the compelling force of love at one time or another, even if we have forgotten it.

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